The week I found out I was pregnant I started keeping a note going through the week on how I was feeling, what I was thinking, etc. Now that I’m past the first trimester I’m archiving the notes here so I can look back and remember.
Week 5 – I had taken several pregnancy tests and finally felt sure I was really pregnant. This first week, as you can tell below, I was scared every moment that I would lose the baby. In fact, I felt sure I would. Reading it again I can remember the desperation.
I’ve nicknamed you our little sesame seed. Why? Because my app told me that’s how big you were, and for whatever reason it really stuck with me.
Even though I had been showing positive for a few days, it wasn’t until July 21 (when Daniel came home) that I took a ‘real’ pregnancy test (as opposed to the cheap Wondfo kind) and Chris and I felt you were really real. I cried.
I don’t have any physical symptoms yet, beyond being tired and thirsty. But I also just might be tired and thirsty and it might have nothing to do with you, little sesame seed. I actually get kind of nervous that I don’t feel pregnant, and sometimes I pee on a stick just to make sure you’re still there. Don’t get me wrong, I’m really grateful not to be sick or in pain and I’m fine with that continuing. I just want to know you’re OK.
Sometimes I get little cramps and I freak out a bit inside, but I remind myself that it’s normal. Mostly, I am nervous. Chris and I weren’t allowing ourselves to be very excited for a while because we knew that at any moment you might leave us. And you still might. But I don’t want to waste time waiting for the worst anymore. I don’t know when we’ll feel ‘safe’ – maybe after my first appointment in a few weeks? Maybe once we hit the second trimester? We’ll see.
Right now, it is still hard to believe you’re real. But Boston knows you’re there. The other day he came up to me, touched by belly and said ‘What’s your baby doing?’ Your aunts and I were in shock. I can’t stop thinking about it, actually. He knows that you’re with us and I don’t know how but right now I’m not questioning it.
Please stay, little sesame.